chicanery will always make you happy, but we all know the hat is wearing me

I’m wondering if this is actually the right time to be going for a PhD.  Maybe this is something I should be doing later, when Jules is older.  I feel like I’m missing so much while I’m away at internships or hooked into my computer doing schoolwork.  I feel like her childhood is just sweeping past me, and I’m going to go to open her bedroom door one day but it’ll be locked and some godawful music will be blaring from between the cracks, and she won’t let me brush her hair while she falls asleep anymore let alone want to spend the day with me.  I swear motherhood carries the burden of  just one of the most cruel types of love – you never meet anyone you love as much as your children and then you’re just supposed to let them go – completely counterintuitive to what you do when you love someone.

I’m wondering if I should do the NIH internship.  A part of me just wants to drop it, spend the summer with Jules, finish school in May…then…what.  Take a year off.  Spend the year with Jules, let her do a few hours of preschool a week, be less stressed.  Apply for masters and/or PhD programs for the fall of 2011 instead of 2010 as planned. This plan will screw up finances, severely limit the places where I could apply to grad. school b/c Dmitry gets out of the Army in the spring and we will live where ever he gets a job then, instead of mutually where he gets a job and I get an acceptance.

Then I think that I’ve done so much work, and this field I’m in moves so quickly, that I don’t know how relevant the Hopkins internship will be 2+ years, how rusty I’ll be in school after being out for so long.  Or how competitive I’d be in the masters/PhD application pool with a year of no internships or school.  I think of all the work I’ve done – especially researching grad. schools, the $$ my mom shelled out so I can take a GRE prep class, the effort I’ve put into contacting researchers I’d want to work with.  Basically setting the stage so I can be successful in my applications. And it’s something I want. I want to do research, I want this career path.  It pains me that I finally see the goal that I’ve been working towards for the past 3 years as an undergrad. – applications to grad. school – approaching rather rapidly and now am thinking about side-stepping it.  I mean it physically pains me.

That leads me to think of why I started on this path in the first place – I was home with Jules for 2 1/2 years before I started school again, and I just got bored.  Bored sounds mean, and I loved being home with her, but it was intellectually unchallenging.  That’s why I became a parent-expert in Netherton Syndrome, because it was something to learn.  So it’s this viscious cycle.  I want what I don’t have, and then when I have it, I want what I don’t have again.

Is it just me, am I just indecisive?  Unable to make a long-term comittment?  As it stands, I think the longest comittment I’ve ever made was my marriage, going on 5 years next month.  Am I having cold feet because a PhD program is a 5-6 year contract?  Am I feeling melancholy because I’m not so positive I did well on my stats exam today and am doubting my intellectual abilities?  Am I feeling guilty because I know deep down that when we had Jules my first priority should be changed to her, and not me, and by doing a PhD program while she’s young I’m ignoring that knowledge?

I feel like if I’m going to make a decision, I need to do it soon.  If I go ahead with NIH and push through the summer, I know I’ll be applying for 2010 as planned.  I don’t know how I know that, but I do.  It doesn’t make any sense to put in that ridiculous effort it will take to do NIH, be a parent, and take summer classes to NOT apply.  Ugh, and I’d be so stupid to turn down NIH.  If I did, I’d pretty much be setting myself up to not apply for 2010, and be a competitive masters applicant for 2011.

Just insert a bunch of expletives here.


~ by OceanChild on May 9, 2009.

One Response to “chicanery will always make you happy, but we all know the hat is wearing me”

  1. Good luck making a decision sweetie!

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