So, to update a past post about my feelings on graduate school, I’ve come to a decision and I think it’s the right one.  I’ve decided to apply for the fall 2011 instead of 2010.  It was tough to make that choice, b/c I’ve been working my ass off for the past 3 years – doing a 4 year bachelors in 3 years, taking care of my kiddo, doing internship after internship to get research experience.  It was all with the goal in mind of a PhD program for fall 2010.

Like I mentioned in the other post, I was having doubts about Julia being too young for me to be gone that much, etc. etc., but doing this NIH internship really has solidified my feelings.  It’s 5 days/week, and although they’re so very flexible with my hours (and for that I”m very grateful, I usually leave around 1:30pm to get home by 2:30 or 3pm), I miss her too much.  And it will only be worse in grad. school – even if I’m not physically gone for 40 hours/week, I’ll have homework etc etc.  Granted, the ridiculous commute (at least an hour one-way up to Bethesda, a total of 2 hours on the road, at least an hour 1/2 one-way if I go to the Poolseville facility which I do – 3xs/week, a total of 3 hours on the road) probably has influenced my feelings a bit.  I feel like I’m on the road more than I am at the lab.  But, I think overall this is the right decision to make.

So, the game plan is – my NIH internship ends August 14th.  I’m going to decline continuing it for the fall (which originally I was supposed to do).  The commute is too much.  So I’ll be home in the fall 2009 and spring/summer 2010 (September 2009 – August 2010), finishing up my bachelors and staying home with Jules.  I graduate in May 2010 with a BS in psychology and biology.  I may or may not have to get a part-time job in the fall of 2010, depending what kind of job DH gets – he leaves the Army in March of 2010.  If he gets a federal job, I’ll probably end up having to work p/t just b/c there isn’t a big difference in salary than in the Army, but I was doing OK with the hours I was working at Hopkins when I was there – and they have mentioned in the past they’d love to have me again, so that’s a possibility.  If bridges aren’t burned with NIH by not taking the fall slot, it’s a possibility to do p/t work there (we’ll be moving closer to DC, we’ll have to move in March when he gets out of the military). If not, there are plenty of places in the DC/MD area that do research.  I’m not anticipating a problem, especially with a bachelors degree.

Getting a p/t lab job won’t be a bad, thing, btw, because it will give me additional research experience.  And, I might be going out of my mind staying home after being so busy for 3 years that I might look forward to something like this.

However (and this is what I’m hoping for), if DH gets a contracting job, he’ll make substantially more $$ and I’ll be able to stay home for the 2010/2011 year as well.  I’m thinking I’ll take 1 or 2 grad. classes at night.  At the U of Maryland College Park they have a program called Science in the Evenings, where you can take some core graduate classes without going for a degree.  This will be good for 2 reasons – 1., knock out some required classes for PhD programs, and 2., possibly get a recommendation from an instructor who can vouche for my ability to do well in graduate-level classes.

I already have 2 letters of rec from Hopkins, but I wasn’t sure about who the 3rd one should be from.  Originally I thought from my supervisor at NIH, but I honestly don’t think I’ll be there long enough over the summer (the spot is only 8 weeks long) for him to really gauge my abilities and write an honest letter.  Letters of rec are weighted pretty heavily in programs.

So, there you go.   That’s my game plan.  I think I did a little mourning when I decided not to apply for 2010, but in reality I know it will be best for me and for Julia.  PhD programs are a 5-6 year committment, so I think there’s no need to rush.  It’s not unheard of to take a year off after undergrad., in fact I think a lot of programs encourage it to make sure the PhD program is what you want to do.

To sum up, 24 working days until I’m a free woman from internships!

On another note, we had a happy afternoon today.  It finally stopped raining around 5pm, so Jules and I rode her bicycle around the neighborhood.  We stopped at the mailbox where an army of ants were running back and forth between the sidewalk and the mailbox, and I got to teach her a critical thinking lesson.  Hooray scientific method!  So we were watching the ants, and I said, “So Jules, what do you think the ants would do if we put a piece of grass in their path? “  She said they’d probably go over it – so we tested that hypothesis.  Apparently, ants will not only go over it, but they’ll also go under it and around it.  The entire time she was sitting cross-legged with her bike helmet on, completely enthralled by this team of ants.  We got to relate to how teamwork was important, and how ants share food with other ants, and she shares her toys with her friends – she came up with the concept, not me!  I’ve got such a smart kiddo.

I’m wondering if I should do the NIH internship.  A part of me just wants to drop it, spend the summer with Jules, finish school in May…then…what.  Take a year off.  Spend the year with Jules, let her do a few hours of preschool a week, be less stressed.  Apply for masters and/or PhD programs for the fall of 2011 instead of 2010 as planned. This plan will screw up finances, severely limit the places where I could apply to grad. school b/c Dmitry gets out of the Army in the spring and we will live where ever he gets a job then, instead of mutually where he gets a job and I get an acceptance.

Then I think that I’ve done so much work, and this field I’m in moves so quickly, that I don’t know how relevant the Hopkins internship will be 2+ years, how rusty I’ll be in school after being out for so long.  Or how competitive I’d be in the masters/PhD application pool with a year of no internships or school.  I think of all the work I’ve done – especially researching grad. schools, the $$ my mom shelled out so I can take a GRE prep class, the effort I’ve put into contacting researchers I’d want to work with.  Basically setting the stage so I can be successful in my applications. And it’s something I want. I want to do research, I want this career path.  It pains me that I finally see the goal that I’ve been working towards for the past 3 years as an undergrad. – applications to grad. school – approaching rather rapidly and now am thinking about side-stepping it.  I mean it physically pains me.

That leads me to think of why I started on this path in the first place – I was home with Jules for 2 1/2 years before I started school again, and I just got bored.  Bored sounds mean, and I loved being home with her, but it was intellectually unchallenging.  That’s why I became a parent-expert in Netherton Syndrome, because it was something to learn.  So it’s this viscious cycle.  I want what I don’t have, and then when I have it, I want what I don’t have again.

Is it just me, am I just indecisive?  Unable to make a long-term comittment?  As it stands, I think the longest comittment I’ve ever made was my marriage, going on 5 years next month.  Am I having cold feet because a PhD program is a 5-6 year contract?  Am I feeling melancholy because I’m not so positive I did well on my stats exam today and am doubting my intellectual abilities?  Am I feeling guilty because I know deep down that when we had Jules my first priority should be changed to her, and not me, and by doing a PhD program while she’s young I’m ignoring that knowledge?

I feel like if I’m going to make a decision, I need to do it soon.  If I go ahead with NIH and push through the summer, I know I’ll be applying for 2010 as planned.  I don’t know how I know that, but I do.  It doesn’t make any sense to put in that ridiculous effort it will take to do NIH, be a parent, and take summer classes to NOT apply.  Ugh, and I’d be so stupid to turn down NIH.  If I did, I’d pretty much be setting myself up to not apply for 2010, and be a competitive masters applicant for 2011.

Just insert a bunch of expletives here.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1168648/Why-DO-babies-turn-brilliant-women-slummy-mummies.html

Contemplating taking UMD-College Park off the list, and looking at Western Michigan University, Arizona State, and University of Colorado.

She was supplementally NG tube-fed from 10 months on to about 2 years old, and it affected her eating.  She developed an oral aversion, and because of that she didn’t formulate sounds like a kid would normally progress with them.  She’s been calling me “ney” (like the end of court-NEY) for so long.  Tonight she just broke out and started calling me Mommy – perfect pronunciation, and I just started bawling.  Most moms get to hear that within the first year – I’ve been waiting for 3.5.  What a beautiful, sweet word that is, Mommy.

1.  University of Wisconsin-Madison – Neuroimmunology in primates

2. University of Maryland-College Park, NACS Program – Behavioral Biology

3. American University – Neuropharmacology

4. University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill – Behavioral Neuroscience

5. Howard University – Behavioral Pharmacology

6. Johns Hopkins University – Behavioral Pharmacology

7. University of California-Davis – Neuropharmacology

8. George Mason University – Biopsychology

9. Emory University – Neuropharmacology in primates

10. University of California-Los Angeles – Neuropharmacology

11. Oregon Health and Science University – Neuropharmacology in primates

So, the original post that I was responding to was asserting that the great apes don’t have a hippocampus minor, so therefore humans should not be classified as great apes because humans do have this part of the brain.  Because we’re in, you know, school, I thought participating in discussion when someone argues a fact that is wrong was a good thing.

My reply to the assertion that apes don’t have a hippocampus minor:

Your assertion that apes don’t have a “hippocampus minor” (known as calcar avis in modern science) is wrong.  They also have a hippocampus.  The human brain is not unique to the ape brain, there is just a difference in brain mass, which leads to different functioning of different parts of the brain.  Richard Owen was a giant anti-evolutionist, and proposed that apes didn’t have the hippocampus minor without any scientific evidence to back it up.  When Thomas Huxley proved that apes did in fact have this, he ruined Owen’s credibility, because Owen purposefully left out the fact that he had evidence to the contrary, from anatomists who’d published papers dissecting a chimpanzee brain (you have to remember that anything resembling modern anatomy’s roots were in the 1600′s, so in the 1800′s when Owen and Dawkins were around was uncovering some significant things about the body).

Another student, we’ll call her Ms. X, replied to my above post:

Courtney:

Your knowledge seems vast and will probably be helpful to the class.

Ms. X

Could I leave that be and not reply?  No, no I could not.

I don’t think there’s a need to be rude.  I was only telling the student that she was wrong because she was; what should I have said instead?  If I’m in the wrong about something that I’m asserting, I’d want to know as well, so feel free to correct me if I post something that is incorrect throughout the remainder of the class.

I’m not an anthropology major, I’m a psych major, bio minor, and am involved in animal research relating to neuroscience; currently I work with baboons.  I’m not sure how it’s relevant, but since you asked, I took this class because I’m fascinated by evolution, and I wanted to learn more about the great apes – a population that isn’t really touched upon in any other class at UMUC.  I might know a lot about the brain, but I don’t know much about great apes.

If you have a problem that is personal, I’d appreciate it if you addressed it through an e-mail instead of posting it in the class forum.

Courtney

To which Ms. X replied:

I don’t know what the problem is, but you might want to calm down and bring it back a few.

Your reply was uncalled for, immature and over the top. I’ll refrain from replying to you from now one.

Ms. X

And my most recent response:

I wasn’t aware there was a problem, and I didn’t think my response to you was over the top or rude.  I’m sorry if it came across that way; I was simply addressing your response and questions to me.  The tone in your original post came across as rude to me – I’m not sure what my reasoning for taking this class had to do with anything, nor what my major was.  I also didn’t think that saying someone was wrong was rude; if I said that 2 + 2 = 5, would you say to me “I think maybe I have a different opinion on what the sum is, I think I disagree” or would you tell me that I was wrong?  I would be telling me that I was wrong.

Generally in life, you can’t tailor how you interact with people based on what they may or may not take offense to – I think you’re arguing with me over semantics; you find one way of presenting evidence more desirable than another, but how can I take account for how any of the 50+ people in this class might like evidence presented?  For the record, this is my 5th semester taking online classes, and I’ve honestly never had a problem with another classmate over semantics in a posting.  We’re taking an online course, which means you might read a post that feels like a certain tone when you read it, and is the complete opposite tone of what the original poster was trying to get across.  At the very least, you should give the benefit of the doubt to the poster before you post something based on how you interpreted a response.

The fact that was presented was wrong – apes do have hippocampus minors.  The entire point of going to school is to learn, to converse with people in your class, to learn different perspectives and maybe change your own views based on things you learn.  I’m merely participating in this process.  If you don’t want to interact with me this semester, that’s fine.  I’m just not sure why you’re taking a back-and-forth to that level.

Courtney